Wacky Critters
Funny Comics Jokes and Quotes
May the Wackiness be with you....

Free Funny Jokes

Wacky Critters cow animal comic

Free Funny Jokes

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Free Funny Jokes

Signs that you've had too much caffeine:

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

Free Funny Jokes

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Free Funny Jokes

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Free Funny Jokes

A blonde a brunett and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

The brunett says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zaped home.

The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home too" so she is zapped home.

Finally the blonde says "I am so lonley I wish my friends back"

Free Funny Jokes

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Free Funny Jokes

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

Free Funny Jokes

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

Free Funny Jokes

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Return to 'Home' from 'Free Funny Jokes'