Funny Comics Jokes and Quotes
May the Wackiness be with you....
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I think, therefore I'm single.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
If you can stay calm while all around you is in chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?